LateNiteLights.

So...when I was a kid...I had no friends on my block.

Seriously. None. I was 8 years old...when I was outside playing I was with my mom. No one really knew me. No one I could just call to play with. No one coming by to invite me to play tag or anything.

So the day that this hit me..I told my parents. I remember telling them and slowly getting sadder and sadder till I was crying. Hysterically.

My dad opened up the Yellow Pages and found a baseball league.

"Fun In The Sun" League.

It was perfect. Little league baseball. Close to the house. My first time ever playing organized sports. At this point I had already played baseball, but only outside with my friends.

Naturally when I got to the first practice...I was shy. Nervous even. But I could catch. And throw. And hit. Almost naturally. I blended in quickly. I practiced hard with the team and with my dad...and even by myself. I worked out..I took it very seriously.

In one of my early games, I hit a double (in my kid mind it felt like a HR at Yankee Stadium). I ran around the bases with my hands up. When I finally got batted in my dad was waiting with the straight face of all straight faces.

Dad: Don't ever do that again!
Me: Do...what?
Dad: Run around the bases like that. There's no need to celebrate. Act like you've been there before!

Profound but very simple. Little did I know that this was the beginning of my humility. An 8 year old learning how to be humble through...baseball. From that point on , no matter what I did I didn't show off. People respect professionalism more than flash, and my team loved me. Deeply. I learned early on that people can see what you did ; no need to remind them.

I finally had friends. People I enjoyed being around. Kids I played..practiced..fought..and cried with. It was all very deep to me. I didnt care about winning or my stats. I played well and so did my team but it was about the companionship. I wanted to be good but that wasnt my motivation. I just wanted to be with my teammates.

So next summer, when it's time I get back to my baseball career....I find out terrible news.

My league folded.

Fun In The Sun...gone. My team...gone. My coach...teammates...done for.

So naturally my Dad asks , "You wanna play somewhere else?"

My answer? "No."

I didn't want to play for any other coach or team. I didn't care about baseball. I cared about my TEAM. Without them the sport would never be the same.

I never played organized baseball again. Sometimes I miss baseball. I think I could've been REALLY good had I stuck with it. But I just liked the fun of it and who I played with. My passion was...pure. Fun and my friends. If I wouldn't play with my friends what was the point? It wouldn't be fun. All of my drive to get better at baseball died with my league.

Do you remember that feeling? Just doing hobbies/actions because they were fun? Not because you wanted to be a superstar..but just for the love?

If you haven't noticed, adults don't get to express that very often. Our imagination dies as lie gets more "real". Our motivation behind what we do is never a simple "because I like to do it". It becomes "the pay is good" "people think its cool" "its nice on my resume".

At what point do we "forget" to have fun?

It's up to you. Think back to when it was about the love...not the accomplishment..just the "journey".

Never let the rat race of life steal your fun. Remember that your goal early on was just to enjoy yourself. If you don't enjoy what you're doing...don't be afraid to do something drastic.

I'll never forget again.

Yes...that's me!

I have a new blog for a reason.

The profound reason : I am a new person entering into a new phase of life (the post college aka "real world"). Perhaps my blog should represent such.

The truth: My other blog keeps flickering and poplocking across the screen...and I have no idea how to fix it. (dreamsmeetreality.blogspot.com)

But as with everything I do...there's a reason behind this blog...from the background down to the title.

If you didn't know, I'm somewhat into astronomy(really just stars). As a child , my father always used to show me , my mom and my sister the stars. We'd go outside on vacation (in Upstate NY) and look to the skies. I would always miss the shooting stars but I didn't care. I was amazed enough by the stars period. I vividly remember him telling us "It's too bright in the city for you to see this back home..."

I get to high school and see that I can take Astronomy. I get in the class, see numbers and measurements and other crap that I don't care about. Astronomy as a science lacks passion. It researches and documents a beautiful phenomena/part of nature but still...

Still, what my father said sticks in my mind. You can't see the stars in the big city. I'm from NYC...the epitome of "big city". And too often do we forget the little things(stars). We cant "see" them because there's too much going on. Naturally, we all tend to believe we will all be relevant on a large scale. But when I hear "star" I don't think fame.

I think shining. I think collective (because all stars are close to each other...which does not reflect in human "stars"). But , if you don't give yourself the opportunity to escape from the commotion and see the stars/sky/space for as what it is (a wonder of life) you will never view them as I do. So that explains the night sky/moon theme on this blog and the stars background on my old blog. It also explains a lot about how I see life...but that's obvious.

And this blog is LateNiteLights...not only because it's easy to remember, but because Late Nites are my time. I get introspective. I tend to "feel" things more late at night than I do in the sun. It's easier for me to think. I reserve late nights like these (it's definitely 438 am right now...) to think about everything. To take things in another direction , my laptop is like a night light for me. You know how a child is afraid of the dark , so they need something to shine and make them comfortable? I'm like that...except I don't fear the dark. I fear not saying what I really mean to...and blogging does that for me. Not to say I don't express myself in real life...but there are only so many hours in a day. I have more thoughts than I could ever have time for...and this is the perfect solution.

With that said...hopefully you enjoy what I do here over time. Goodnight.

I know I'm the most sporadic blogger ever....but I have my reasons. I always do. This time I have...legit reasons.


My hands are tied.


I've been feeling like I can't type the stuff I usually do. Can't be myself. Partly because I fear making certain things I'm involved in (read between the lines : Specific school organizations) look bad with my shenanigans. But at the same time....They knew what they were getting into when they hired me. Unfortunately , that type of explanation doesn't hold up when shit hits the fan.

I have a more important reason for my sporadic blogging.

My life has been crazy these last couple of months.

I'd love to let y'all in fully. Like my experiences over Winter Break. My Valentines/Birthday situation. My BDay party. Meeting someone who made me see things a lot differently in my life, only to have a falling out with her. Semi-mending burnt bridges....building totally new bridges and the shocking revelations that being 22 brings...

And you know I get detailed. But once I start to relay these situations and moments...even without names...the parties involved get upset. Yes, I have had arguments about stuff I've blogged.

I need you as the reader to understand that....this is my LIFE. These are my feelings. I blog very "raw". Not in the sense of vulgarity (even though I curse here and there like any other adult); I mean more in the sense of I don't try to clean up how I feel. I've had to backspace away more stuff cause I felt it was "too much" than some people have blogged period....


So that's what you can expect from my blog.Every part of who I am. So that means plenty of tomfoolery about things I see and think about...and plenty of serious things that I feel need to be addressed.

And I'll try to consistently update...I promise.

So I graduate in May(May 8th,2010 to be exact..send gifts). Whatever. I talk about that enough on and offline.

But in a discussion about life @ ODU , I said something Monarchs say a lot...

"I'm just bored."

But I followed it with "I'm too old for what college entails nowadays. It's time for me to leave...none of this interests me anymore."

"You feel that way because...this is it. Get a degree...and...done!"

That kinda got to me. Made me think about some things that maybe I'd prefer not to."Is this really...it?" Do I just get a degree then go make something of myself? Do I just go to grad school...knowing deep down in my heart I don't want to @ this point??

These were old emotions that were previously confronted. I felt trapped in a way. Do i just go through the education ranks until something clicks? Do I kill myself at school only to end up in a career I don't really love?

These things only became an issue because I wasn't following my heart. I was far more interested in "playing it safe" then letting my soul guide me to the next step. The only reason I played it so safe and close to the chest isn't because I felt it was right...it was because I was afraid. I didn't want to embarass myself in anything I did. I was too used to be good to above avg in everything. I'd rather have my mental scoreboard looking more LA Lakers than Minnesota Timberwolves (and I'm a fan...SMH!)..


When this conversation ensued , I was already on the path of opening up and just freeing myself of anything that bothered me. You...don't know how crazy said path has been. From about November 2009 to right now I've just approached life differently. Part of it is because I know this undergrad thing is totally over soon. The other and much more important part is that as a man, I owe it to myself to identify and address my shortcomings.


To be honest, a majority of my issues and hang ups are due to things I didn't say or didn't do...because I was scared. Being told that our age group sees getting a degree as the Gold medal in the Early 20's marathon kicked that back off. So , since this talk (and somewhat before it) I've been just...doing what I feel I must. I don't hurt anyone or step on anyone's toes ; I just no longer cheat myself. In my mind, I feel like I give off more positive energy than ever, because I'm totally cool with who I am.


Seeing this video also didn't hurt.

It hit me. All I needed to do was...dance. I got too entrapped in what I believed life to be due to my experiences. I was just going through life in such a linear fashion that my unhappiness was predictable. So ...now I'm hearing the music and dancing where I see fit...